| | Just got back from an incredibly enlightening and heart warming night out with I & ML.
I didn't want it to end!
It's been a while since I've written in this blog, but I guess this was a long time coming?
It felt good to talk, it felt good to listen, it felt good to laugh and cry and to hear truths.
It felt good to feel.
We confirmed what we knew about K - he was homosexual. I & myself were children when K passed away. We had suspicions that he was gay, and that his prolonged death had to do with homosexuality, but we only confirmed it tonight. It felt good to know the truth.
It was also depressing to know how alone he must have felt, to be unable to explain himself and fight for the dignity and rights that he should have been able to receive from his own family.
I remember visiting K when he was living with E. I`d go with my mother when I was young, on weekends. I didn`t have much to say to him, it was scary how pudgy he was when he was well, and how skeletal he looked before he passed away.
I remember one bbq party where ML was jeering me on to try this super-spicy satay sauce. I was five. She reasoned that since I *loved* peanut butter, I'd love the sauce. "It's <em>just</em> like peanut butter!" She exclaimed, while K persuaded me not to - "it doesn't taste good! It's spicy!" They both slapped their knees and laughed when I tried some spicy sauce.
I admit, I'd probably do the same thing if I witnessed it today.
ML revealed some things about Ks personality that made me chuckle and smile. How he may have very well likely agreed to convert to Christianity right before he died <em>just</em> to get the priest off his back, how he was a great guy, how he just wanted to live a normal life.
There are things that people take for granted today that K was not allowed to do back then. In many places of the world, many people are still denied rights that they deserve...
It would have been amazing to see K alive today - I miss having him in my life, even though I barely knew him. I do remember him having sad eyes, and feeling ostracized from those around him.
...
I can't stop thinking about how alone he must have felt.
"I" reminded me of how valuable a person MM is. How, in her infinite randomness, she always makes people think positively and feel good, if only in the long run and if only to her liking. It made me want to go to her house and hug her right then and thank her for being in my life.
I can't imagine how K lived with such a big secret and burden on his shoulders, that he could never show the world who he really was and what he really was, that the people around him would never truly accept him.
This is really a disjointed post.
Although I'm really sad, I feel really moved by the night. It made me feel closer to ML and I. I really love them. It felt good to connect tonight.
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| | Posted 6/6/2009 12:34 AM - 10 Views - 2 eProps - 2 comments
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